Are You Fighting About Organizing?
They say that the topics couples fight most about are money and sex. In my experience, we need to add number three to the list: how to organize and maintain our homes. I've worked with many couples and families in the decade plus of my organizing career, and I’ve seen a lot of conflict, from tension bubbling under the surface to spouses straight up fighting in front of me. True story!
So if you’re fighting about decluttering and organizing, this edition in my blog series about cognitive biases and how they relate to organizing challenges is for you. If you’re just joining us now, catch up on Parts 2, 3, 4, and 5!
I’m not a therapist, but I’ve witnessed enough interpersonal conflict to discern that when people fight about organizing, it’s never about the stuff, it’s always what’s hiding underneath emotionally. And in many cases, what’s hiding underneath these conflicts, and causing such hurt feelings, is the fundamental attribution error.
The fundamental attribution error means that we explain our own behavior with the situation we’re in, but we explain the behavior of others with their character. We’ll give ourselves grace when we make a mistake because we recognize that we’re a good person in a bad situation… but we’ll never automatically apply that grace to anyone else and instead assume any mistakes they make are due to character defects.
Yikes. Doesn’t sound very generous, does it? Oh humans.
When it comes to conflicts about stuff and organizing with couples, the fundamental attribution error is on full display. One spouse will get frustrated with the other, believing “you just don’t care enough to pick up around here!” But it may turn out that the spouse who isn’t picking up doesn’t know where the stuff goes, or hasn’t been sleeping and is low on energy, or associates tidying behavior with childhood trauma. The frustrated spouse is attributing the behavior they dislike to their partner’s personality and core self, rather than the conditions that are truly shaping that behavior.
Let’s flip this around, because the fundamental attribution error is not a one way street. One spouse will get frustrated with the other, believing “you’re so uptight, why can’t you just relax and let it go? The house doesn’t need to be perfect!” But it may turn out that the spouse who wants everything tidy all the time has neurodivergence that is easier to manage in a clutter free environment, or has plans for a specific project or event that demands a tidy space, or finds clutter to be emotionally triggering due to growing up amid hoarding behaviors.
If you and your spouse are weaponizing the fundamental attribution error every time home organizing comes up, you’re generating unnecessary conflict… but that’s not really my purview. You’re just not ever getting organized, and that is something I can help you with! Try these strategies to stop the fundamental attribution error from getting in the way of the two of you working together towards an organized home.
Recognize what’s happening and name it. Remember, cognitive biases apply to all of us! This is the way your brain is wired, and it’s also the way your partner’s brain is wired, and the only way to work around that is for both of you to acknowledge what’s happening. This removes blame from the equation, and empowers both of you to try something new.
Ask lots of questions. Instead of assuming you know why your partner is doing something a certain way, ask them. This sounds so basic, you might be rolling your eyes, but I promise you these dumb questions will unlock incredible insights. Ask them why they drop their socks on the living room floor and never pick them up. Ask them why there are 5-10 Amazon boxes arriving daily. Ask them why they throw everything away. Ask without tone, accusation, or assumption, and keep digging until you fully understand the situation they’re in - because then and only then will you be able to work together on solutions!
Explain yourself. Just as you don’t know why your partner is doing something, they don’t know why you’re doing something else! Help them understand the situation you’re in and the pain points you experience, and how the strategies you use have helped you so far. I’ve often found that when someone can share their thought process, their spouse (who knows and loves them better than anyone else on the planet) can come up with alternate approaches that work even better to keep a home organized!
Is the fundamental attribution error causing disagreements about organizing in your home?
LMW
